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 Zero Star

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Fox Demon Avaritia
12
Fox Demon Avaritia
12
Posts : 3342
Location : On her train, her hype train o3o

Zero Star Empty
PostSubject: Re: Zero Star   Zero Star H6Q0F8zWed Mar 12, 2014 7:18 pm

There are... several things I see with this app:

1. As discussed in the Chat, some spelling errors should be fixed.

2. Giginka isn't a trainer class, so you'd have to change that to one of the present ones.

3. Just from reading your app, your character screams "Gary Stu" to me, meaning that it's a perfect character without any flaws or things to balance him out. On top of limitless physical ability, he has abnormal intelligence, which could be fine, however you don't list anything bad about him. Does he have weaknesses? Dislikes? Things that can negatively impact him? Characters like this need balance. There is no such thing as a perfect character, list his downsides as well.

4. Your personality focuses on one aspect of the character, but doesn't go into detail about anything else. Could you expand it to tell a little more than just his killer-ness?

I'll wait for other staff input, as these are just the few things that came off the top of my head.
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Nishwishes
11
Nishwishes
11
Posts : 1696
Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: Zero Star   Zero Star H6Q0F8zWed Mar 12, 2014 7:47 pm

In personality, it's meant to be his personality. All you've spoken about is how he handles his job. As Ava says, the rank is wrong and there's little to really round him off personality wise. In history - what are his origins? How did he gain abnormal intelligence or was it always there? Who are Team void and everyone else? If you're going to use such a character, we need details that will justify him.
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Lapis Lazuli
12
Lapis Lazuli
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Posts : 3848

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PostSubject: Re: Zero Star   Zero Star H6Q0F8zWed Mar 12, 2014 7:57 pm

This is hardly any better than your last character. This isn't an action-oriented, text-based role playing site like one based off of Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, Soul Eater, etc. Though its nice to see antagonists rise up, antagonists are better when they have faults that compliment who they are. Pokemon itself had great antagonists, and even N who well, was sort of the antagonist of Black and White games, had some excellent qualities that made us care about him. A good villain isn't what I see here at all. There's little room for growth or development other than say, him becoming a force of good. I suggest you scrap the idea entirely and try making an ordinary character whose just starting their journey. It's nothing over the top, its nothing absurdly powerful and has promise of character growth. Try something that isn't a blood thirsty, vicious killing machine created in a lab with the genetics of something else. People like to role-play with those who can develop their characters not only from creation to seem human, but also be written as if they are human with human emotion. This is the telling of a story that involves that specific character, and a one dimensional character who doesn't really make sense will easily appear faulty at best when compared to someone who went and earned their development. There's hardly any kind of antagonists on this site in the form of approved characters. I'm sure there are but seeing as I rarely deal in applications I don't know all of them, but I do usually try to keep tabs on those trying to play the villain.  

In short, I refuse to see this application approved unless the fellow staff can sway my mind. As it stands, this character is by all means, more broke than a god damn Aura Trainer.
Deus El Machina
7
Deus El Machina
7
Posts : 694
Location : Earth-15

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PostSubject: Re: Zero Star   Zero Star H6Q0F8zWed Mar 12, 2014 8:21 pm

Chuuch.
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Nishwishes
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Nishwishes
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Posts : 1696
Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: Zero Star   Zero Star H6Q0F8zSun Mar 16, 2014 9:52 pm

Still not approved. Gijinka isn't a rank, his personality /still/ doesn't have a lot of personality in it and his history doesn't give a lot either - what happened before all of this went down? I still feel like he's overpowered. And this is the Pokemon world, there's no need for vampires in here.
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PostSubject: Re: Zero Star   Zero Star H6Q0F8z

 
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