Anarchy's Rants

So yeah, I make a strong and bold impression in this cyberspace of a forum we have. Sometimes I act like a cute kid and so. But the reality is in the real life. And everyday I wake up, I find my hair stupid. It looks ugly and no matter how much time I spend on it and it still looks stupid. I look at others' hair, both same age as me and older, they all have normal looking hair that suit their face. While I don't. And weekly haircuts is just a waste of money.

I have a thick lip and all that. It sucks. I go outside, I hate going outside. It's like when I go outside, I have this paranoia that everything is looking at me and everyone is staring at me and like, "Oh crap, look at him he's ugly."

When I go outside, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. How my hair looks, how I dress, how I walk, how I stand, how I talk, my tone of voice, how I react, where I go, I feel like everything, literally is all wrong; even the simplest of things.

Yeah, here's a big middle finger to Asperger syndrome. You suck, you pathetic autism disorder. I try to explain this to my mom and he won't believe me. I know myself better than anyone else and every stranger I've interacted with when I'm outside has noticed my weirdness and the way I act. I stand in a funny way and walk in a funny way. Something my classmates and cousin informed me of. But my mom just won't believe.

This syndrome is the cause of every weirdness I have. I look at others my age, and they're so different than me. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, the way they think, the way do things and all that are just so much better than me. Sometimes I just wanna give up and be a complete butt ****** and just give up. I hate myself and don't know why I'm weird and I can't control it.

Sometimes I wish a knife would just go through my chest and end it all. I'd spend an eternity in Hell and with that, suicide ain't an option. There's no way out of this weirdness. If only there's a cure for this autism or a place where I can live all by myself but still has electricity and internet and signals.

There. I'm done. I hope.

Yeah, if only someone like my mom would pay attention and observe me and see the world through my eyes, she'll know the pain of having this disorder.

Everybody my age go plays sport together, chills out, go to places, hangs out. While I'm always in this house, all alone. My life revolves around fiction. I wake up, brush my teeth, pick up my smartphone and start playing video games. Afternoon, I pick up the laptop and go to this site. Night, I play with my smartphone. I never interact with kids my age, hang out with friends (Hell, like I do have one in RL) and chill out with them. I find it very scary and uncomfortable and I know, everybody I've met in my life, both stranger, classmate, etc. have all found me weird. So, yeah. I actually do suck.

My dream: Graduate, get a job, move overseas, start a new life leaving all the fuckery behind. Hopefully it'd help. Or else I'm screwed up. My entire life would be screwed up. Yeah, go laugh.

Anarchy I'm sorry that you have Asperger syndrome and even though I don't have it I do have a disorder called postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (or p.o.t.s for short) and autonomic dysfunction. I got it in 6th grade after a horribly long period of strep throat and I wish I had never gotten it because it basically ruined the life I once knew what it does varies be tween kids some have more symptoms some have less my symptoms are dizziness being tired all the time (not bad yet right) severe stomach pain getting up off the couch walking a few feet and getting severe tunnel vision and almost feinting (did feint once) and I had to switch doctors offices because the one I had used since I was a baby said it was all in my head 6th grade was okay more stomach pain then anything then I barely finished 7th and only did eighth for a weak and the whole time I was getting tested at hospitals I had so many blood tests I named my left arm vein Fred but none of the hospitals could figure out what was wrong so for three years no idea what was wrong finally we went to mayo a high tech hospital in Minnesota it was two states away and we drove all the way we finally got there and we found out what I had they had done a tilt table test lying down my heart beat was 74 then they stood me up and in jumped to 142 what happens is my blood pools in my extremities (arms legs) and when I stand up my blood vessels don't contract so my heart has to beat twice as fast to get the blood where it's supposed to hence the feinting and tiredness I also took a month long class type thing with a group of people who also had the same thing witch helped after mayo I went back for one day in high school and found out 1/8 of the kids there thought I was dead and that the girl I liked was now dating someone else so now I'm currently home schooled and take medication for my heart stomach and for anxiety and some times I'll have mood swings and half the time I notice them which gets annoying because it's really hard to forcibly change your mood.

sorry for telling you this story of what happened to me I just couldn't help it because I've had some of the same feeling you've had

We all go down sometimes, pal. It's alright to vent out. No matter how small or big a sh!t is. Just remember to keep standing up and dust it off. #warriorstrong Hope the best for you.

Rant 3: A Warrior Gets Tired, Too

I.

AM.

SICk AND TIRED.

OF FIGHTING.







There, I said it.

Sometimes even people like me get sick of it. I just want to live a normal life. Wake up in the morning, smile at the rainbow, get on the PC, have a good time. Simple as that. No fighting... no getting pissed... No tears... No negative emotions.

But guess what, no matter how kind I try to be, trolls, bullies, they're everywhere. Let me tell you a story. When I was a kid, Anarchy and Shadow are completely not me at all. I used to be this chubby little kid. Wearing glasses. Seriously.

Everyone liked me. They all believed in me. Everybody saw me "Cute". First honors student. Top notch student for three years. TOP STUDENT.

A life of a complete baby dressed in honor and righteousness.

Then, bullies introduced themselves to me.

Grade 4. I was Grade 4. Those bullies have been pestering me for a year. One day, I stood up, punched one in the face.

They were all like (classmates) just shocked. Never expected me to do such. Usually I'd ignore them, report them to a teacher and that's it. I'll just forgive them afterwards.
Since that, I don't know. Maybe it's the adrenaline surge and all that scientific crap.

I just... CHANGED.

Pride got into my life, I became this bad boy tough guy bad ass thing.







That of who... I AM right now.




I'm sick of me. I'm sick of my pride. How I keep getting in fights... RL and internet... I'm sick of it. No matter how hard I try to avoid... I keep getting in fights. I'm sick of it. I just want to surrender sometimes and consider me a big failure who'll get nowhere.





I'm....











SICK OF THE ******* FIGHTING! I GIVE UP!

You are t going to leave are you T.T

Rant 4: GAWD.

Swear to God, Shadow. You're one annoying piece of literal sh!t. Get your sh!t tight. Pull it together. WTF.

Dont everyone is mad sometimes you are a gold person and a great friend ^^