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 Hayden

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Aurien
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PostSubject: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zSun Mar 08, 2015 2:15 am

|~ Gen. Information ~|
Aliases / Names:
Hayden Elderall

Age | Birthplace | Gender:
16
Verdanturf Town
Male

Trainer Rank:
Normal pokemon trainer

|~ Characterization ~|
Appearance:
Hayden  I_cannot_Brain

Personality:
Creative and kind as well as generous to a fault hayden loves helping people and pokemon in need. A loyal freind and trusted ally Hayden loves exploration his pokemon and his freinds although he is rather shy in large groups as he lives and grew up mostly alone. Although he enjoys playing with his pokemon and freinds he still enjoys time alone with his own thoguhts reading or studying.his biggest fear is being alone


Battle Style:

Battering the Enemy Pokemon with the most powerful moves at His Disposal

Past Experience / History:
Hayden grew up as an orphan in verdanturf town as his father left his family and his mother died during childbirth. He survived on the charity of the citizens which wasnt very much after he had grown much older than ten and on the money he could make running errands for them.

Usualy  the errands  consisted of going between the  rusturf tunnel because he had discovered a way to sneak through without scaring  the pokemon his trick was to whistle a tune similar to the cries of the native pokemon.
Not that the Whismur ever realy bothered him they seemed to like him playing with him as a kid and walking with him as he grew into a teenager he would talk to them as if he was understood by them there was even an old female Exploud which would let him go through the cave untouched.

For a long time his pattern continued he made freinds did errands. He was thinking what he wanted to do with his life so he decided to spend some time in his favorite place the rusturf tunnel. Hayden called it the noise den because you could hear the pokemon sing to each other in he little noises they make.but one day tragedy struck the song was different it was sadder, the Whismur were crowding around the oldest one the Exploud she looked sick Hayden was sad he knew this song sadly, he had heard it once before a long time ago. A young whismur had died in battle and they sang this song in memorium .the old exploud she was dying in her old age and she called to him how he knew this he wasnt sure of but she handed him an object it was warm and hard, an egg she wanted him to have this egg hayden was confused but he nodded and thanked her. He could have sworn she spoke to him "take my child he who sings with the whismur". Confused he wondered back into town and curled up in the pokemon center falling asleep.

Hayden woke up sure this was a dream but surely enough the egg was there he carried it with him everywhere until one day he knew would happen did, the egg hatched and the Whismur inside emerged he made freinds with her fast and they decided they would team up and become the greatest team ever so Hayden gathered his things and said goodbye to his freinds and set off on his pokemon journey humming to himself under his breath.

|~ Inventory ~|
Badges:
~Kanto~
~Hoenn~
~Johto~
~Sinnoh~
~Unova~
~Kalos~
~Other~

Money: $6,200
Items:
05x Pokeballs


|~ Pokemon ~|
Species: Whismur
Gender: Female
Level: 5
Experience: 0
Ability: Soundproof
Personality:
Mischevous and playful Whismur enjoys playing and battling equaly although she hates losing and cries a lot when she loses but Hayden always comforts her and assures her that we just need to get stronger giving her a determined standpoint because she was raised from a baby by him she relies on her trainer for everything.
Moves:
Pound
Echoed Voice


Last edited by Aurien on Mon Mar 09, 2015 1:37 am; edited 5 times in total
Nishwishes
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Nishwishes
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Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zSun Mar 08, 2015 3:52 am

Normally I wouldn't single this out, but this is a role play website. If you submit an app which has absolutely no full stops in it and randomly placed capital letters, it won't be accepted. That aside, your personality needs more depth and detail, and as for your character's history, how did they wind up an orphan? Who were his parents? How did his lifestyle influence him? Was everyone charitable, or what? Think detail. Also, he needs a surname.
Aurien
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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zSun Mar 08, 2015 4:05 am

Okay Just Made A Few Edits To the Post Did a Grammar Check I think This Is Acceptable Now ?
Nishwishes
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Nishwishes
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Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zSun Mar 08, 2015 4:25 am

I can see with a brief skim that it isn't. Also, you need to actually use paragraphs, or I won't even finish the history. The personality is nowhere near long or detailed enough. What are his flaws? Habits, likes, dislikes, what makes him the complex person that he is? How did he learn his stealth route and techniques? Have a look at some of the approved apps. I'm not demanding perfection but this needs a hell of a lot of work.
Aurien
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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zSun Mar 08, 2015 6:28 am

Cant Think of Anything else Right now Thoughts, Opinions, Needed Edits ? Will Check Tommorow and Make Appropriate edits
Nishwishes
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Nishwishes
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Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zSun Mar 08, 2015 6:54 am

Before I even try reading: actual paragraphs. With gaps/spaces in between each. And not every word requires a capital letter. Names and the beginning of sentences, and that's it.
Aurien
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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zMon Mar 09, 2015 1:42 am

I Ran it through a Capitalization Tester As Wll as spaced out the paragraphs (Which i thought i had already spaced out in a previous edit i thought anyway) And i think thats all the issues Covered now
Nishwishes
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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8zMon Mar 09, 2015 1:47 am

It's comprehensible now, which is enough, I suppose. His personality sections still needs a massive overhaul of information, as does his history. What else did he do with his life when not in the tunnel? What of family, education, all that? Basically most of what I said needs to be in before.
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PostSubject: Re: Hayden    Hayden  H6Q0F8z

 
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